Finally, some good news

The short story is that it looks like my doctor's business office has come through (after harrassing the insurance company enough) that my Zofran has been approved. I'll be picking that up tonight (before they change their minds!). I'd also called the doctor earlier in the day to see if they could give me anything to help over the weekend in case the insurance didn't come through, and they called in a script for phenergan, though I can't take that away from home since it makes you drowsy. I'm glad to be getting my beloved Zofran back, but it's also nice to have a backup should this happen next time I try to get a refill. I fully anticipate problems next time around.

You know, going through all this with the insurance company almost puts me into the mindset of wanting to exploit them by getting as many refills as possible, then selling my extras for a nice profit once I no longer have a need for them. I won't do it, of course, but their approach to all of this has really lit a fire in me and makes me want to find a way to take advantage the system they're trying so desperately to protect.

If the pants fit

At this point right now, I've reached pregnancy territory that I've never entered before, at least time-wise. Here's hoping it's good to me.

Not being good to me, however, is the insurance company, which is dragging its feet on getting me approval for Zofran. The gist is that my doctor's office is doing everything they can to take care of this, and I've contacted the insurance company myself, but no visible progress has been made on the insurance company's end. I'm not pleased with them.

At this point in my pregnancy last time, I was definitely bloated enough to the point that my pants were tight, as well as my bra. However, I've lost enough weight in the first 8+ weeks (and before then, really) that neither of those is the case for me yet. In fact, the pants that fit me the best are pretty loose, giving me some room to grow, plus I've got some "fat pants" from gaining weight over the winter that should work well as transition pants before maternity clothes. Last time at this point, I was wondering if I was going to have to move to maternity pants soon, but thankfully this time that doesn't seem quite as much on the near horizon. Of course, I may write this and then blow up like a balloon overnight (and I do have a couple pairs of maternity pants from last time that I'd bought just in case; I didn't want to wake up one day and not be able to wear my pants to work). It's just hard to tell at this point.

A mental hurdle at 8 weeks

Well, I'm eight weeks as of today. This is going to be a bit of a difficult week for me because this is the week that I lost the baby last time. I know the odds are in my favor that it won't happen again--and certainly not at the exact same point as last time--but it's one of those mental hurdles to get past. Last time, my bleeding started at 8w1d, and I lost the baby at 8w2d, so the next two days are a little sad for me. But I know I'll get past it and hope to find some renewed strength on the other side. I'm just now starting to have thoughts that depend on the outcome of this being favorable (planning for the nursery, wondering how much time I'll be able to take off work, guessing whether it's a girl or a boy, etc.), all of which I hadn't allowed myself to do yet. I won't feel completely at ease once I get past the 8w2d mark, but it's just one of the many challenge I have to overcome along the way.

I've still thrown up a couple times in the past few days despite the Zofran, but it hasn't been anything too bad. Quick and relatively painless. I'm an old pro. I'm having a bit of a struggle with the insurance company covering the medicine. They want to only give me 12 at a time, which is fine, but they're saying that's supposed to last me 30 days. I need it twice a day maximum; you do the math here. I've called both the doctor and pharmacy, who are supposed to get some kind of certification to the insurance company saying I need the amount they're prescribing. Funny, I thought the whole point of getting a script from a doctor was because that's how much he wanted me to take. I hope they get this straightened out soon because I'll run out of my first batch tomorrow.

Just say no to cold showers

I've been feeling pretty normal for the most part this weekend, with the exception of when I slept in a couple hours today and didn't take my pill at the usual time, then ended up throwing up not too long after my shower. Whoops! It wasn't too bad and I recovered just fine.

I have to say, I'm so glad the medicine has allowed me to feel better because I was starting to miss my normal hot showers. (What a silly thing to think of!) I can't stand to take cold showers (for the most part, unless I've been working up a sweat on a hot summer day), but I had to when I was feeling nauseated because the heat from the shower would make things worse. Ah, the little things I appreciate now. Nevermind the puking--I want my hot showers! I'm so weird sometimes.

Out of the fog

I think I'm going to get the word "Zofran" tattooed on my forehead. Or maybe wrap my car in an advertisement for it. Or maybe get them to sponsor my website?

I cannot say enough about this wonderful drug. I want to scream from the rooftop: "ZOFRAN MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!"

Just like last night, I still have little appetite, but the constant urge to vomit is gone. I was able to dry my hair without having to take a break in the middle. I was able to eat breakfast and not dread what it would be like coming back up. I was able to make it through my morning at work without worrying about whether I could make it until lunchtime so I could throw up at home instead of at work.

I feel like I have my life back again. Now that I'm feeling much more normal, I now realize just how much of a fog I've been in for the past two weeks. And believe me, it's felt like a lot longer than two weeks. I'm still pretty drained, but hopefully I can get caught up on rest and feel as recharged as I can be at this point.

I'm going to sound like a commercial, but I owe it all to Zofran. I love you, little white pill!

Sweet, sweet relief

As expected, the Emetrol did nothing for me, so I called the doctor again this afternoon. I figured they would start me on a lesser medicine first, so I nearly cried with joy when she said she was calling in a script for Zofran. I've only taken one dose of it so far, but I'm already on the "Zofran is a miracle drug" bandwagon that I'd read about. Within 10 minutes, I started feeling noticeably better, and while I'm still not at 100% right now (probably because I'm so drained), I feel more human than I have in two weeks. I was able to eat a real dinner--albeit not that much since I still have a small appetite--and don't have even close to an urge to throw up, which was a constant feeling all week long. The difference of before and after is like night and day, and I hope that keeps up.

I'm very thankful that my insurance does cover Zofran. I've read that it's one of the most expensive non-cancer drugs dispensed. My insurance will only cover 12 pills for each $20 copay, but the note on my receipt says that my insurance saved me $357.99. That puts the retail cost at $31.50 per pill. (Here's hoping I don't throw any of them up!) That's quite a price, but so far the pill is all it's been hyped up to be, so it'd be well worth the cost even without insurance.

Keep your fingers crossed that the medicine continues to help me in the coming weeks.

Intervention

There are times I think I'm being a really big baby about all of this stuff, but there are other times I don't think I'm fully disclosing how bad this really is, partly because I'm scared of how bad it really is and it's easier to pretend it's not that bad. But I think I'm coming around to admitting that it really is that bad.

Today I had to leave work early (and worked from home) and finally called the doctor. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't just call the doctor at any sniffle. It has to be something pretty bad for me to call. I knew they'd want me to try other over-the-counter treatments before giving me anything that actually works, so I waited to call until I felt like I'd been through everything. Well, they still kind of wrote me off and told me to try Emetrol again, which I told them that I already tried and threw up. They told me to call back tomorrow if it didn't work, and that's exactly what I'll be doing. I've thrown up about five or six times since I called them (I lost track), so I'd venture to say that it's not working. I know they're required for a variety of reasons to get me to try other things first, but I suspect that most people who call haven't done that like I have. I just wish they could see that I really do need extra help here and I'm not just whining after one day of a queasy tummy. I know they still won't give me the good stuff (Zofran) right away, but hopefully some of the lower-level medicines can help in the meantime. I just can't keep living like this...my body is getting very little nourishment since I can't eat much in the first place, then can't keep down what I can eat. I've started getting dizziness as a result, which played a big part in me leaving work today.

I went ahead and told my supervisor today that I was pregnant and that I had really bad morning sickness. I'd hoped to hold off telling him, but I felt like I needed to so he could understand what's going on here. This is a little funny, though. When I left today, someone asked if I was going to lunch. I said, "No, I don't feel well; I'm going home." He said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Something must be going around. [Male co-worker] is also sick...I hope he didn't give anything to you." Somehow, I doubt that.

7 weeks

Nothing new to report. Still puking. Still have no appetite. Still have sore boobs. I've lost a total of 6.6 pounds since finding out I was pregnant, at first due to eating well, but more recently due to not keeping things down. I'm not too worried about it yet since I started out overweight, but don't worry, I'm keeping a close eye on it. On a good (and weird) note, I've found something that helps ease my stomach a little...baby food. I got tired of Jello and pudding because it didn't feel very healthy, but the baby food (fruit-based ones only...not gross-sounding "meals") is proving to be a good option when I need to get something in my stomach. Hey, whatever works, right?

What might have been

Today's another one of those sad days that everyone who's had a miscarriage experiences: Today would have been my due date.

I tried very hard to not keep up with where I would have been in my pregnancy, but the due date is one that's very hard to ignore. And, of course I know it's unlikely I would have even delivered today, but since I don't have the power to know for sure when it would have been, today is the day that's dedicated to mourning the loss of my baby.

So today is for you, little one.

(Temporary?) reprieve

It's almost 11 p.m., and I haven't thrown up today. I still haven't felt at 100% today (probably more like 75%), but it's the best I've felt in a week, so I'll take it. I realize I'm not in the clear yet and that there's a good chance the nausea will come back, but it was good to have a little bit of a break from feeling awful.

Top that

Hopefully today was the worst it gets (though I'm not counting on that)...I puked five different times throughout the day. At least I was able to enjoy dinner and even some ice cream cake with a friend tonight without any problems other than a general lack of appetite.

Here's hoping I have some more interesting stuff to write about in the coming week besides offering a puking report. It's hard to concentrate on anything else besides that, though, since it takes over quite a bit of my time and energy each day.

And it's a hat trick, folks!

Third night in a row. This is beginning to become like clockwork.

There is one good thing I thought of. At least the nausea and puking have helped me forget about my sore boobs! They don't seem as much of a concern right now.

Second verse, same as the first

After having some pretty bad nausea this morning, things tapered off during the afternoon and I was feeling pretty good by the time I left work. I don't know if it was the hot car or what (being hot really seems to be a trigger), but once again when I got home, I puked within minutes of entering the door. After getting some cheese and crackers in my poor belly, I'm feeling some better now, but still pretty unsettled. I'm so thirsty but can't drink too much at once for fear of triggering more gag reflexes. I know I need to drink what I can, though, because I don't want to get dehydrated. I'm working on figuring out what relief works best for me and hopefully I'll have that figured out sooner than later.

I think one of the hardest things I've found about having nausea (besides the obvious unpleasantness) is having to put on a happy face around other people and act like I'm feeling just fine, especially at work. I don't want to raise suspicion yet that I'm pregnant, and there are few other reasons for me to have prolonged nausea besides this. If it comes down to it and I need to tell others I will, but I'd rather not yet if I can help it.

Pull back the hair

Yup, I finally puked. At least it held off long enough until I got home from work (but barely).

Family boredom day?

I think it's sometimes easier to figure out what kind of parent you want to be when you see other people doing it the way you don't think it should be done. Yesterday was one of those times.

I was at a restaurant for lunch yesterday and at the table next to us was a couple about my age with what looked to be an 18-month-old and a less-than-two-month-old. Mom tended to the baby and Dad tended to the tyke in the highchair, and neither of them said a single word to each other or their children--except for "Are you ready?" when they were about to leave--during the entire time we were there. They could not have looked more bored with each other and their family than they displayed yesterday afternoon. I'm sure they're very tired and stressed, and I didn't have the whole picture, but what's the point of even going out to eat if you're not going to have a little fun with it?

Then again, if you look around a typical restaurant, you'll find that most people there don't look like they're enjoying themselves in the least. Maybe it's not limited to just new parents.

Update at six weeks

Just a general update on me. I'm six weeks as of today. I'm feeling okay for the moment, but the nausea has hit me off and on ever since it started over the weekend. I can be fine for 15 minutes, then not feel great for 15 minutes, then back to feeling decent for a bit. And it can hit either suddenly, or gradually. I just never know. I've learned that one of my triggers seems to be getting too hot, which doesn't bode well for the hotter days of summer coming.

Along with the nausea has been a general distaste for food overall, but I've had a few foods that have really turned me off, to the point of probably considering them an aversion. Greasy, fried foods haven't sounded very appealing, and the thought of corn (something I LOVE) makes me want to gag instantly. So far Jello and fruit are two things that have sounded good to me at all times. I'm sure that's bound to change at some point.

Still have really sore boobs...sometimes to the point where I have to check to make sure there are no actual bruises (sadly, no). I think that covers the symptoms thus far. I'm still mostly in denial about being pregnant, but these darned symptoms are making it hard to keep that up.

Operation Ginger

I've definitely had some nausea and dizziness last night and also off and on today (more on than off), including gagging over the toilet (how glorious!) but not actually vomiting. So far I've tried to deny that it's morning sickness, but it most certainly is, so I should just admit it. It's thankfully still pretty mild, but I'm a big baby when it comes to stuff like this, so I'll just continue acting like it's the end of the world (though I'd like to state for the record that I realize it's not).

So, I stopped on my way home from work tonight and picked up some ginger snaps and some Vernors ginger ale to help combat the nausea. I was able to get dinner down tonight without trouble, and the nausea seems to have mostly (90%) subsided for the moment, but I need to get to bed before it comes back.

Keep it down

I'm not feeling so hot today. I don't know if what I have right now would be considered morning sickness, since it's still pretty mild, but I'm definitely in the beginnings of something that's not normal. I wasn't able to eat much for lunch, and I have a pretty constant feeling of being kind of nauseated and I get kind of dizzy from time to time. It's not to the point to where I think I'm going to actually throw up (yet), but it's definitely not a pleasant feeling and I hope it passes soon. I know it could be a lot worse, though, and at least it's not ruining my day or anything. A lot of women get reassurance from morning sickness as a symptom because it makes them feel like things are progressing well, but I know that only about half of women get it, and I'm still hoping I fall into the half that doesn't fully experience it. However, if that's the price I have to pay for this to work out this time, then bring it on. Just pass me the barf bag, just in case.

The two-month wait

Everyone who's trying to conceive knows about the infamous "two-week wait," that time period you have to wait between confirming ovulation and when you get your period (or not). A girl on one of my message boards for women trying after a miscarriage put it well yesterday when she said that being pregnant now is more like the excitement level of confirming ovulation, except you then have a two-month wait until you find out how things turn out. I never thought about it in those terms, but that's so true. The time of being in limbo is just an extension of what it was before.

Mum's the word

So far we've told only two other people our news. There may be other close friends and family that we give this blog link to after we've told them of the news, and I just want to take a minute to try and explain why we kept it a secret longer this time around.

We didn't go overboard on telling people last time, but we were definitely excited at the idea of telling people that we were expecting a baby in June. After having to "untell" people, however, I feel like the air was let out of the balloon and I know other people were pretty disappointed, just as we were. If it's not going to work out again, I think I'd rather deal with just our own disappointment, not everyone else's.

Also, telling more people right now would make it seem more real, which I don't really want at this point. I'm comfortably living in denial for now, and hearing other people's excitement would just jolt me out of it. I need to protect myself at this point, and this is what I need to do to achieve that.

It's also hard to want to tell people after doing it the first time. The air can't be put back in the balloon that has a big hole in it. What a great surprise that was to tell people before, but I'm sure most people we already told are expecting this news sooner or later. I'm sure they'll be excited, but there's something that's not quite the same now. The innocence is lost.

So, if you're reading the blog after the fact and have learned that we didn't tell you the news right away, don't be offended or take it personally. It's what we needed to do to help us through this period of uncertainty.

Life lessons

Some things I've learned over the course of the last seven months:

I've learned just how much I want kids. We both wanted them before, but coming close and having one taken away really solidified that decision even more than it had been already.

I've learned how much you can really miss something that you had for such a short amount of time.

I've learned that bad things really do happen to good people. I've always had a bad case of "never gonna happen to me" syndrome...I see things like tornadoes, earthquakes, plane crashes, etc. on TV, but I never think bad things like that will happen to me. But it did, and it's very heartbreaking. Quite the reality check.

I've learned that getting excited about plans for the future really causes you to crash hard when that bubble bursts.

I've learned that other people really do mean well, but they don't know how to show it sometimes. Related to that, I've learned that it's okay to not feel better right away like everyone else wants you to.

I've learned that picking up the pieces and moving on involves returning to the normal routines of everyday life. I took a few days off work after the miscarriage, which I'm glad I did, but I really started to feel more normal once I went back to work and do my usual things. Life has to go on, even if the life inside me did not.

I've learned that life isn't fair. It's something that everyone kind of already knows, but something that really hit home with me recently. How can so many people get pregnant accidentally and carry a baby to term and the people who want them have this happen?

I've learned that my husband is a very caring and supportive person and was grieving just as much as I was. He's an amazing partner, and I'm fortunate that it brought us closer together instead of driving us apart (which isn't uncommon).

I've learned that some people I thought would be supportive were not, and I've learned that some people I did not think would be supportive were.

I've learned that each person's experience with miscarriage is different and each person heals at their own rate.

I've learned that all the "what ifs"--and there are a bunch--drive you crazy, so it's best not to go down that road. There's nothing I can do about it now, so I might as well look ahead and focus on that instead of all the "what-might-have-beens."

I've learned there's no way to completely prepare yourself for a miscarriage. You can look at all the statistics you want and know it's a realistic possibility (and I did), but it doesn't prepare you for what comes when it happens.

I've been tagged by Serenity

5 Items in my Fridge:
1. sweet tea
2. KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce
3. pineapple
4. yogurt
5. celery

5 Items in my Closet:
1. wedding dress
2. frequently used office supplies
3. organizer filled with old bills and other things that don't need to be in the safe
4. sheets
5. shoes

5 Items in my Car:
1. leather gloves (still need to take them out...not gonna need them soon)
2. Sunny D bottle filled with water for the dog (we use it when taking him to the dog park)
3. plastic grocery bags
4. an egg timer (don't ask)
5. sunglasses

5 Items in my Purse:
1. a spoon (don't ask)
2. small spiral notepad
3. a banana
4. husband's spare car keys
5. combination brush/mirror

Um, not sure who I'm going to tag because this blog is pretty new and I don't really know other people doing one (not anyone I've told about the pregnancy at this point, anyway). If I think of anyone, I'll update here.

Trampoline boobs

I have officially moved into the territory of having what I prefer to call "trampoline boobs." This happened with my last pregnancy, and up until yesterday, I hadn't reached that point this time around. But I'm there, and I'm achy.

So what are trampoline boobs? They feel like the soreness I would expect to feel if I took my bra off, then jumped on a trampoline for an extended period of time. Owweee! Needless to say, doing my workout video with cardio at lunch is quite a challenge right now, but I keep doing it, mostly because I'm afraid if I stop, I won't ever go back to it.

A horse named Charley

Last night I woke up around 2 a.m. with an incredibly painful charley horse in my right calf. Because I was aroused from a deep sleep when it happened, it was hard to make it stop hurting since I was so disoriented. I finally got the intense pain to stop, but my calf aches so much today. Upon conducting some research, I found that charley horses do occur in pregnancy, but not usually this early. So, it may or may not be pregancy-related, but I'm leaning toward not...at least at this point.

There are three main suggestions to prevent them from happening, two of which I do regularly. One is take vitamins, especially calcium. I'm good there, as I've been taking prenatal vitamins daily since September. Another suggestion is to eat bananas for the potassium. That might be where many people's charley horses originate, but I've eaten a banana every day (well, about six days a week) for about the past three months. No problem there. The third suggestion is to drink more water. I feel like I drink plenty (and I have the frequent bathroom trips to prove it), but I guess I should increase my intake. I've never had a charley horse before, and I'd rather not experience it again, so I should do what I can to prevent it.

I also had another strange episode last night before bed. I was pretty sleepy all night long, but at one point when I walked the 15 feet from the couch to the computer chair, I got light-headed and dizzy all of a sudden and lost my balance. For about the next half-hour (until I went to bed), I didn't feel so hot. Again, I don't know if it was pregnancy-related, but it was enough out of the ordinary to take note. I feel fine in that regard this morning.

Today marks five weeks. (Only five weeks?) Just 35 more to go.

Like sandbags

I don't know if this is the beginning of the pregnancy fatigue/sleepiness setting in (had that last time, and it sure feels like it), but I can hardly keep my eyes open right now. I don't think I can write a full post tonight.

A commitment

Prior to becoming pregnant this most recent time, I'd put a lot of my efforts while waiting to conceive into losing weight. Since the middle of March, I've lost about 16 pounds. Even though it's frustrating to know I'm going to put that weight back on in the coming months, it's good to know that at least I'm starting out 16 pounds lighter than what I would have been. I'll still need to lose more than just baby weight after all this is over, but I've given myself a better start than I would have had otherwise.

Because of my recent hard work in this area, I'm very committed to maintaining my better eating and exercise habits as I go through pregnancy in an effort to be as healthy as possible. I wasn't approaching my new healthy outlook as an "only until pregnancy" thing, but I plan to continue this. I don't want to be one of those women who uses pregnancy as an excuse to eat junk food nonstop. I know I have to be careful with my weight, now more than ever. I just can't lose sight of that. My doctor previously said he would not be concerned if I lost weight in the first trimester as long as it was because I was eating well and not because of a crash diet, so I will continue to do my best and if more weight comes off, I won't worry. But my goal now has shifted away from taking off weight.

My approach will continue to be the same. Healthier meal choices, smaller portions, healthy snacks, and plenty of exercise. However--and I think this is key for me--I will not completely deny myself some food vices but instead show control and restraint in my periodic indulgences. This will not be a regular thing, but if I'd like to go out for ice cream, I'll go out for ice cream. I just have to make sure I don't overdo it on other food for that day. If I completely deny myself, however, I'll develop an even bigger desire to have what I cannot have, and eventually I'll give in and overdo it. Allowing myself such occasional indulgences will allow me to avoid that problem.

It's not going to be an easy task, but I'm fully committed to making it work. I've started on the right foot in the past few weeks, and I just have to build on that now. I think it's within my reach.

Same old, same old

Symptom watch: No new symptoms, other than sore boobs.

I think it's odd to call them symptoms, which makes pregnancy sound like a disease.

Waiting...and waiting

It seems like all there is to do is wait in the process of trying to have kids and in actually being pregnant. There's waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a pregnancy test. Waiting for your period. Waiting for your first appointment. Waiting for all of your other appointments. Waiting to try again after a miscarriage. Waiting month after month for that positive pregnancy test again. Waiting again until that first doctor's appointment. Waiting to hear the heartbeat. Waiting to be into a safer zone of the pregnancy. Waiting for the ultrasound to see the heartbeat and make sure everything is developing okay. Waiting to find out the sex (if you choose to do so). Waiting to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Waiting for labor. I know all of the waiting will be worth it--no doubt--but right now it just seems like it's all just waiting until the next thing without much chance to enjoy everything in between.

It's a date

I found some courage and called the doctor today, and I'm set to go there at almost 10 weeks (9w6d) on July 10.

Parallel

Last summer, after we got married, we started looking for a house. We found one that we loved and made an offer on it. We went to dinner while we waited to hear from the realtor on the status of our offer, and we let ourselves start dreaming of what life would be like in that house, looking far, far into the future. We were excited at being closer to work. We loved the fact that we would've been less than a half-mile from the grocery store. We started talking about where the furniture would go and how we'd decorate all of the rooms. We let ourselves dream away.

We'd made a good offer, so we expected it to be accepted without even a counteroffer. However, we got a call the next day that informed us that another person had beaten us with their offer, and that offer was accepted. We were both crushed. Absolutely crushed. We went looking at houses the next day and found another one we loved, so we cautiously made an offer on that one. The offer was accepted a couple hours later, and we set closing for later that month. We were excited, of course, but I just couldn't let myself get my hopes up again until I had the keys in my hand and the house was officially ours. I just knew that something would happen along the way--the inspection wouldn't pan out, the owner would back out, the financing would fall through--to make this not happen. The sale was completed and the house was ours and we could finally be excited about this big step in our lives. It turns out that I think I like the house we did get more than I would have liked the house we missed out on, and it's probably just one of those things that "happens for a reason" as everyone likes to say.

It's amazing how similar our house-buying experience was to our experience of trying to have kids. So now, I'm cautious as we pass the time to "get the keys" to this second baby. Until then, I wait....