Soften the blow

Two days ago, I had on one of my favorite maternity shirts, probably for the first and last time because it's short-sleeved yet it's getting colder here each day. As I was walking by the desk of one of our temporary workers, she said, "Oh, I like your shirt!" This caught me off-guard, as I've not ever really talked much with her other than saying hi when we pass in the halls or something. Needless to say, it made my day.

Then today, I was talking with one of my male co-workers and he said out of the blue, "Your hair looks good today! Did you do anything different than normal?" Of course I hadn't, but I actually had noticed myself that my hair looked good today, so it's funny that he would notice and say something...especially being a man.

Those two nice compliments have helped during a week in which I realized that my 3w5d belly shot and my 21w belly shot look--no kidding--absolutely the same. Which translates to me as, "Good grief, you looked five months pregnant even when you weren't pregnant and had just lost 15 pounds." Ouch. So, those compliments softened that blow a little.

Who put this speed bump here?

Just when I thought I was clear of most post-miscarriage hurdles I would have to endure during this pregnancy, I somehow forgot about the big one: The one-year anniversary of the miscarriage itself is coming up shortly. It was approximately the last week in September that I conceived last year, and we found out the good news on October 7. Just a month later, on November 9, I lost the baby. I don't know why this just hit me now--perhaps it's the dreary day that has its unrelenting hold on me, or maybe it's the fact that it was this week last year that kicked off the chain of events.

I do feel very fortunate to be carrying a healthy baby girl right now, but it's hard not to think about the one that never came to be...about how I could be at the tail-end of my maternity leave with a three-month-old child right now. Missed opportunities are frustrating, especially when they're beyond your control. I have to look for the good in things, though, and I know that I will love this baby girl in an even deeper way that I might not have known had I sailed through the first pregnancy without trouble. And, it gives me great peace to know that in just over four (hopefully short) months, I'll be able to look my daughter in the eyes and say, "So you're the one who made me so sick!! Thanks a lot, girl. You're grounded until you're 20." (ha ha...totally kidding!)

Just call me Mrs. Doubt

We've been pretty set on our name choices, especially for a girl, for quite a while. The girl name is classic and timeless, not trendy or weird, and we've been 100% settled on it for several years now.

However, I've been having some minor doubts ever since we found out it was a girl.

It's hard to explain without going into specifics, but the girl name we chose has an element of it that's from my family, then the other part is just something we liked and sounds good with the other name, but has no significance. I've recently started thinking of ways to incorporate a name from The Husband's side of the family; that's the only way I'd change the name, to include his side in it also. I especially had the desire to change things up a bit after my father-in-law recently sent us a pretty complete list of girl names from that side of the family. (Unfortunately, there are too many Berthas and Hildas in that list for my taste.) I know it would thrill him to pieces if we included one of their family names somehow.

But, I know it's our kid. And, I'm the one who gave up my last name when I got married, so maybe it really is fair that we use a name from only my side. It's not that I'm feeling pressure from anyone to use names from both sides; it's that I'm trying to find a way on my own to make this possible. But it's also frustrating when every suggestion I've made has been immediately vetoed by The Husband for one reason or another, usually "I hate that name" with a sour face to go along with it. It's probably best that he's staying firm on this and not letting me change things, but it kind of hurts my feelings when I feel like he won't even take new possibilities into consideration and at least amuse me into thinking a change might happen. (He reads this blog, by the way, so no mean comments about him!)

And here's the funny thing: I'm still very happy with our original name choice. I think I'm starting to have these doubts because I want to make absolute sure that we want to go with that...that there's not something else better out there. It's just frustrating to go from 100% certainty to this nagging doubt that I didn't think would overcome me. I almost wish we could go ahead and fill out the paperwork to make it final today!

Examining finances at 21 weeks

Weighing on my mind lately has been how in the world we're going to pay for all the stuff we need for Baby B in the next four months and beyond if The Husband is not able to find a job before his severance pay runs out next month. My salary, while definitely needed and not just a luxury, cannot support us long-term beyond paying for health insurance (since he and Baby B will need to be on my plan), our mortgage (which isn't outrageous), and his car payment (again, not outrageous). I know it'll all work out in the end, and plenty of people do this every day with even less than what I make, but that's still not a very comforting thought sometimes.

It's just difficult since a lot of people in my position get to examine the finances to see if it's feasible to stay home full time with the kid(s). But we find ourselves in the position of examining the finances to make sure we can make ends meet, not even getting started on thinking about providing for our child. Starting a college fund? Yeah, let's make sure we have a crib and diapers first. I hate that we've been put in this position--I HATE it. I know there's no point to thrashing around, kicking and screaming about how unfair it is. We're trying our hardest to look forward and hope for the best, knowing that some opportunity will present itself shortly, but the uncertainty keeps haunting my thoughts whenever a quiet moment comes to me. I know we're very fortunate to have what we have right now, but that doesn't silence the persistent voices.

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)
12w (+3.6 pounds, -7.6 pounds total)
13w (+1.0 pound, -6.6 pounds total)
14w (+1.2 pounds, -5.4 pounds total)
15w (+3.4 pounds, -2 pounds total)
16w (+2.0 pounds, no change total)
17w (+2.0 pounds, +2.0 pounds total)
18w1d (+2.0 pounds, +4.0 pounds total)
19w (-1.0 pound, +3.0 pounds total)
20w (-0.4 pounds, +2.6 pounds total)
21w (+1.4 pounds, +4.0 pounds total)

The Gap

I had great difficulty in choosing a shirt to wear this morning. I'm sort of at that in-between stage where my regular shirts don't really fit (or rather, they don't look good) and some of the maternity shirts still look silly because I don't have an obvious belly. A lot of the maternity tops I do have would work in theory, except for the fact that my boobs have grown since I bought the shirts, so now I have gaps in between buttons that show my bra and/or stomach.

I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get away with button-up shirts. I'm a DD cup pre-pregnancy and own almost no button-up shirts because they always gap around the boobs. However, when I tried on these maternity shirts a few weeks ago, I was pleasantly surprised that I had no gaps and I quietly commended the shirt designers who finally took big-chested women into account. However, now that my boobs are growing and the belly isn't keeping up, it's making for some gaps that reveal a little too much to my co-workers.

Some of the shirts can be fixed with safety pins to close the gaps, but I just didn't have time to do that this morning. I know another fix is to wear a shirt underneath it, but my office is typically on the warmer side, so even wearing a tank top underneath isn't a realistic option. Plus, I hate the feeling of having to keep both shirts pulled down, since the bottom one inevitably rides up more than the outer shirt. Ug, isn't it too early to be annoyed by my clothes?!? They're still so cute and I'd love to wear them if they still fit properly!!

An unkind reminder

Yup, puked again earlier today. I think it's because I waited too long to eat lunch, so it was partially my fault, but still not pleasant at all.

Registering decisions

After many weeks of research (and still much, much more to come), we've started choosing some of the baby gear items we're going to need and have started our registry by adding some of the big stuff to it. Smaller stuff will have to wait a bit longer, but it feels good to at least get some of the major items chosen.

Just as with our wedding registry, I look at a baby registry as more of a "to buy" list for ourselves rather than a "hey, people, here's what you can buy us" list. Of course, if people choose to buy things from the registry, then hey, all the better, but I don't feel bad choosing a more expensive travel system (for example) because I'm not expecting people to buy that stuff. In my mind, we're responsible for buying all this stuff, and it's an unexpected treat if others choose to help us out with it. I think so many people look at the registry as a gift list only, but I think of it as more than that.

I started feeling some stronger movement earlier this afternoon that can be nothing else but little kicks. It sort of makes me gasp every time since it's still a bit of a foreign feeling. And yes, it still freaks me out a little bit. :)

There's a giant on the loose

I've repeatedly made the same complaint about regular clothes, but maternity clothes are even worse for featuring shirts with three-quarter sleeves and pants that are not full-length. I can't tell you how many times I'll look on a rack and see an adorable shirt but have to put it back immediately because the stupid sleeves don't come all the way down to my wrists. I hate the styles of these types of clothes because they make me feel like a giant who has outgrown clothes that should fit. Some people say they like three-quarter sleeves because they'd just push up the sleeves anyway, but I like to have a choice in whether I have my sleeves pushed up. Sometimes I really like them down all the way (and sometimes I really like it when they're long enough to hit me about mid-hand). Is this really too much to ask, clothes designers?

I'm not a decorator, nor do I play one on TV

I wouldn't consider myself an arsty or creative person overall, so the thought of decorating a room kind of intimidates me. I mean, one of the reasons I loved the house that we bought was because all the walls were painted khaki--nice and neutral that we didn't have to do anything to when we moved in. Soon after moving in, I did paint and decorate my bathroom, but how hard is that, really? Just pick the paint color, a few pieces of art, and matching accessories. On a small scale like that, it's fine. But a nursery seems like such a larger scale to me, especially since that's something that everyone likes to focus on and see. So we're going to tackle this as best we can.

For various reasons, we want to keep the room itself pretty neutral. All along, I've wanted sage green walls. I originally thought I wanted to decorate completely neutral, but I think I've since decided to make accessories a little more feminine (assuming we get a better shot at girl parts next month!) but still keep the room neutral, if that makes sense. So we're still going with the sage green walls, but I think I'd like to have my bedding incorporate that sage green and a light pink. That way, all the pink elephants I've accumulated over the years can be incorporated better into the room without looking odd or out of place. I think we've got a basic room layout figured out, so really the next step is to go out and find what paint we want and get started with that. I definitely want to get this done while I'm still feeling pretty well and can have fun with it. At this point, it's just a matter of getting the ball rolling.

Oh, I'm fully aware

A computer-printed sign in my ob/gyn's office on Monday proclaimed that "September is Bladder Awareness Month." Perhaps the sign is a little misplaced in that office, as I'm sure a good number of the patients there are already more than aware of their bladders (as I certainly am these days). Just struck me as a little funny. :)

Changing pronouns at 20 weeks

She. She she she. Her her her. Our girl.

I've got to get out of the mindset of "it." After spending half of this pregnancy thinking in terms of "it" and just "the baby," it's hard to switch over just like that. And part of me is a little paranoid at loving the idea of a baby girl only to find out next month that the tech saw it wrong yesterday. But I've got to get over myself and start switching to appropriate pronouns. We've decided that we're going to try to avoid calling her by the name we've chosen--even between just the two of us--in an effort to avoid slipping up around someone we haven't told since we're trying to keep the name a secret until the birth. Perhaps we need a code name to call her in the meantime. Something ridiculous and funny. I'll keep you posted.

We received our first new baby clothes from friends over the weekend, which was pretty exciting. I keep going back to look at the outfits over and over, imagining the little girl who will wear them. We're still several weeks away from registering since I'm still researching various options for baby gear, but we did hit Once Upon a Child yesterday and bought two (still neutral) one-piece outfits, the first that we'd bought ourselves. We also picked up an almost-new Arm's Reach Mini Co-Sleeper there for $65 (half of what it costs in stores), which can be used as a co-sleeper, a bassinet, or even a changing table. I'm not sure I would have paid full price for it, but at half the price, it's worth a shot. Now we need to figure out where we're going to start putting this kind of stuff in the meantime. The next big step is to pick out paint color(s) (some form of sage green, we think) and paint the room that will be the nursery. I'm hoping we'll get this done within the next month or so, then can work on filling the room after that.

Surprisingly, I'm down 0.4 pounds this week, for a total increase of 2.6 pounds. I am not close to showing yet (even to myself), but that's not a complaint since I know I'll be annoyed with The Belly soon enough.

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)
12w (+3.6 pounds, -7.6 pounds total)
13w (+1.0 pound, -6.6 pounds total)
14w (+1.2 pounds, -5.4 pounds total)
15w (+3.4 pounds, -2 pounds total)
16w (+2.0 pounds, no change total)
17w (+2.0 pounds, +2.0 pounds total)
18w1d (+2.0 pounds, +4.0 pounds total)
19w (-1.0 pound, +3.0 pounds total)
20w (-0.4 pounds, +2.6 pounds total)

XX

Sorry for the late post...we had a bunch of errands to run after the appointment this morning.

Everything looks nice and healthy on the ultrasound; measurements were normal and all that. I am measuring exactly where I should be (19 weeks and 6 days), so they're not going to be changing my due date from February 6. The heartbeat was strong at 154 beats per minute. And, I'm happy to report that it appears as though we're having a girl. She couldn't get a good second look because the baby was LAZY this morning and didn't want to shift again, and the cord was draped between the legs, so she said it's possible something could have been hiding behind the cord. But earlier we'd gotten a look at the three lines that indicate a girl, so that's what it's looking like. We saw the report that she gave the doctor, and nowhere in there did she indicate any uncertainty about it, and I do know that they have to be pretty certain before they'll even say anything either way, so I feel pretty good about it. I will have another ultrasound in four weeks to measure the heart again (nothing is suspected wrong, but they just couldn't get good measurements today), and they said they'll check again for us then. So, I'm not buying any girl clothes or anything for another month until we have 100% certainty, but we're trying to keep most things neutral anyway, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I mentioned the latest gallstone attack, and he's sending me to a general surgeon in two weeks for a consultation. The plan isn't to have it taken out right now, but he wants the surgeon to have my information and know my case, just in case there comes an emergency during pregnancy when they do need to take it out. Otherwise, it'll wait until afterwards since he said it almost certainly needs to come out. Fine by me!

Okay, here are the pics we got today. (Don't worry--I know that generally, only the parents-to-be have any interest in these. But, I have had people asking about them, so here you go!) If you click on each one, it'll open up a bigger image in a new window.

Profile of head:



An arm:



Showing heart rate:



Girl parts:



Another head profile:



Side-by-side images of each foot:

Less than 12 hours

I'm starting to let myself get a little excited.

(EEEEE!!)

Break out the cigar

Congrats to BellaLovesPink, who had her little girl, Avery, on Monday. What a cutie!

Also, just a note that I probably won't post much (if anything) over the weekend because we've got company coming to visit. We have some fun stuff planned, and I'm really looking forward to it!

"I'm fine"

I really do appreciate it when co-workers have asked me recently how I'm feeling. (It certainly beats a lot of the things they could be saying!) But, as this is my outlet for occasional frustrations, I'm still going to complain about it just a little bit.

The question is very basic. "How are you feeling?" But the answer can be quite complex. I fully realize they're just asking to be polite and make conversation, and they really don't want to hear my whole list of things that might be wrong at any given time. But, at the same time, it feels like a lie to say that everything is just fine, because often it's not. Last week I went with the answer of, "I've been getting headaches most days." Pretty simple and not too involved or gross, but then I get a look of pity and they don't really know what else to say, so then I feel like I have to minimize it ("Oh, but it's not that bad!") or make a joke of it in order to get past the little bit of awkwardness.

So probably my best answer now is that I'm "feeling better than I did early on," since most people know (generally) that I was pretty sick in the early stages. And, for the most part, that answer is true (with the exception of the most recent gallstone attack--that was torture), so I might as well just go with it and spare acquaintances any further details. It's not like anyone at work could really do anything about any of my bad symptoms anyway, and really all I'm doing is opening myself up to unsolicited advice that I probably don't want to hear. I'll continue to acknowledge their well-meaning question as nothing more than just politeness--which is fine. I definitely don't want a ton of attention on me at work, but it's nice to know that I'm not completely in the shadows.

Pondering the possibilities at 19 weeks

For the longest time, I'd always envisioned having two little boys. I don't know what it was, but it just seemed right. Maybe it was the challenge of it I liked so much, since I only grew up with a sister and never really had much experience with young boys. But within the past four or five years, something turned and I found myself hoping I'd be blessed with two little girls. (For some reason, having one of each has never entered my mind.) In less than a week, we'll hopefully find out what our first-born child is, and I think I can honestly say after reflecting on the possible scenarios over the past few weeks and months that I'm 100% okay with either one. I know most parents say that--"I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy"--and I really do feel that way. If I had the power to choose, I think I'd choose a girl at this point, but I can say I won't feel disappointed or "cheated" somehow if it's a boy. We will welcome our child into our home with open arms and pretty soon won't be able to imagine how our lives would have been if it'd gone the other way. This child will be loved for way more than whether it's a boy or a girl.

I've been feeling okay overall. No more gallstone attacks. I haven't taken a Zofran since September 3. My headaches have either been minor or non-existent the past few days. I do have a little nausea this morning, but I think it's something that'll pass soon. As I type this, I'm feeling little pulsing sensations in my lower left abdomen, but it's subtle enough that I can't quite classify it as definitive movement. We're finding the heartbeat about an inch away from my belly button now, whereas around 12 weeks it was nearly right on the pubic bone. I'm down a pound over the past week, despite still wanting only junk food. I'm in maternity pants for the comfort (I may never go back to regular pants again!) but am definitely not showing to even myself, let alone to other people. (Honestly, that's fine by me; I will gladly avoid comments from strangers for as long as possible.) I'm exhausted, but I think that's more a product of recent stress and having a busy late summer than anything pregnancy related.

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)
12w (+3.6 pounds, -7.6 pounds total)
13w (+1.0 pound, -6.6 pounds total)
14w (+1.2 pounds, -5.4 pounds total)
15w (+3.4 pounds, -2 pounds total)
16w (+2.0 pounds, no change total)
17w (+2.0 pounds, +2.0 pounds total)
18w1d (+2.0 pounds, +4.0 pounds total)
19w (-1.0 pound, +3.0 pounds total)

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Well, one thing that I've noticed that I can definitely get used to...the hair on my legs is growing in much more slowly than it used to. I previously shaved my legs every other day, and by the end of the second day, they were like razor wire to the touch. (Okay, maybe not that bad, but still pretty annoying to me.) But now, by the end of the second day, it still feels like I just shaved hours ago. I love it--and I know it'll come in handy later on when I'm less able to contort myself to shave my legs well anyway! Finally, something that's not a complaint!

The last visit

Feeling better gall bladder-wise today, so I'm thankful for that. Friday was a tough day because I was feeling the after-effects of the gallstone attack, plus I found out that afternoon that my family dog is very sick with what looks to be bladder cancer (among a variety of other problems, including kidney and liver function) and will probably need to be put to sleep soon. I went over for what was likely my last visit on Friday night, so I feel a little more at peace about it since I had a chance to say goodbye. Still, it'll be hard when it actually happens.

My ribcage has been very sore this afternoon and evening, though it's still a bit early for it to be due to The Kid since he/she is still pretty low, so it very well may be unrelated. Just worth noting in case it keeps up.

Quite the gall

Last night I had what was by far the worst gallstone attack I've ever had. I hadn't had a recent attack since the ones I mentioned back in July, I think, so I was hoping I was in the clear. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It started around 1 a.m. when I woke up to get some water. I drank a glass and headed back to bed, but my back was pretty achy and I had trouble getting back to sleep. Within half an hour, the pain was localized in the gall bladder area on my right side, right under my ribs, and it was tolerable at first but progressively became worse. Pretty soon, though, it became unbearable and I began vomiting about every five minutes--for the next four hours. The pain was both dull and sharp at the same time, and no position I would lie in could make it feel better. As before, neither Tylenol nor a heating pad did anything to help.

My worst attack before had lasted less than two hours, so by 3 a.m. I was hoping it would start to subside, but no such luck. In fact, it became even worse at that point rather than better. The constant vomiting continued until about 5:30 a.m., though the pain was still there. I was exhausted by this point and managed to doze off (despite the under-rib pain still being there) around 6 a.m. and when I woke up 15 minutes later, the gall bladder pain was gone, just like that. I still didn't feel great, but at least I could (in theory) finally get back to sleep.

I contacted my work and told them what had happened and said that I would aim to come in around 10 or 10:30 since I'd only gotten sleep from 10 p.m. until the pain started at 1 a.m. Unfortunately, I still didn't get any sleep from 6:15 until I had to get up at 9 a.m., but I figure just resting pain-free in bed was helpful. When I got up, I still felt kind of "off" (not really nauseated, but not really great, either), and my throat was (and still is) torn up and raw from all the puking. I managed to get down some Crystal Light and yogurt this morning but have been afraid to eat anything else that might irritate my throat further. I'm still working on just three hours of sleep, but at least it's Friday, so that's helping get me through the day.

I did have some ice cream last night (well, frozen yogurt), which is what I suspected caused it last time, but I've had ice cream or frozen yogurt every day for the past few weeks and haven't had a problem, so I don't know if that's it or not. Unfortunately, there's literally no home remedies that work for gallstone attacks. I knew this beforehand, but still looked it up anyway, to no avail. I'll mention it to my doctor on the 18th just so they have a record of further attacks in case I have my gall bladder removed after pregnancy. Until then, all I can do is try to figure out what causes it for me and avoid the trigger. That sounds like quite a potentially painful experiment.

Pain in the brain

Okay, I'm not saying that my daily headaches are worse than the morning sickness I had, but they're definitely putting a damper on my days recently. I was hoping that once I stopped taking Zofran that they would go away (as headache is one of the primary side effects of that medicine), but I haven't taken a pill since Sunday morning, yet it's Thursday and again a headache is coming on. And I'm sure reading all day at work (it's what I do for my job) doesn't help much. I suppose if it's not one thing, then it's another, so I'll just shut my trap (for now) and be thankful it's not something worse.

Belated weight update

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)
12w (+3.6 pounds, -7.6 pounds total)
13w (+1.0 pound, -6.6 pounds total)
14w (+1.2 pounds, -5.4 pounds total)
15w (+3.4 pounds, -2 pounds total)
16w (+2.0 pounds, no change total)
17w (+2.0 pounds, +2.0 pounds total)
18w1d (+2.0 pounds, +4.0 pounds total)

And in the meantime...

Yup, puked this afternoon, right before lunch. At least it was the first time in a while, but still...not pleasant. I had a pretty intense headache at the time, so I'm not sure if it was related to that or the fact that it was 2:30 p.m. and I hadn't eaten since my noon banana. Maybe a bit of both.

Just waiting at 18 weeks

Holy cow...18 weeks? Now it really feels like I couldn't possibly be talking about myself. I know, I know...I'm pregnant. I get that. But I still haven't had that one moment that truly makes it feel "real" yet. I'm sure it'll be soon.

Nothing of note to really report this week. It's just a waiting game until the next appointment, which I'm trying not to think about too much, otherwise I become overwhelmed with anticipation, which surely will make time slow to a crawl. We still have the doppler, and it's interesting to notice how much farther up we find the heartbeat now compared to a month ago. The heartbeat has slowed somewhat to around 150-160 bpm, but it's (understandably) a lot easier to find now. I have not felt any further flutters, though I know that's right around the corner, and I'm sure kicks will drive me crazy before long. But I know that, as with everything else, it'll be worth it in the end. I still have a great appreciation for all of this, and I take none of it for granted.

(I just remembered that I forgot to weigh myself this morning, so that'll have to wait until tomorrow. Silly messed-up schedule threw me off!)