Thursday, September 28, 2006

Who put this speed bump here?

Just when I thought I was clear of most post-miscarriage hurdles I would have to endure during this pregnancy, I somehow forgot about the big one: The one-year anniversary of the miscarriage itself is coming up shortly. It was approximately the last week in September that I conceived last year, and we found out the good news on October 7. Just a month later, on November 9, I lost the baby. I don't know why this just hit me now--perhaps it's the dreary day that has its unrelenting hold on me, or maybe it's the fact that it was this week last year that kicked off the chain of events.

I do feel very fortunate to be carrying a healthy baby girl right now, but it's hard not to think about the one that never came to be...about how I could be at the tail-end of my maternity leave with a three-month-old child right now. Missed opportunities are frustrating, especially when they're beyond your control. I have to look for the good in things, though, and I know that I will love this baby girl in an even deeper way that I might not have known had I sailed through the first pregnancy without trouble. And, it gives me great peace to know that in just over four (hopefully short) months, I'll be able to look my daughter in the eyes and say, "So you're the one who made me so sick!! Thanks a lot, girl. You're grounded until you're 20." (ha ha...totally kidding!)


At September 29, 2006 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At some point you have to let the miscarriage go. Yeah it happened, yeah it sucked, but you are so lucky to be pregnant again. Just think of those out there who are not fortunate enough to ever get pregnant. It was just a minor speedbump but you seem to have crossed that hurdle and have successfully moved on. Focus on the bundle of joy you are blessed to be carrying and make that your #1 priority. You can still carry feelings for the little one you lost but at some point you have to move on. I bet as soon as this baby is born, you will feel less and less bad (not a good word, it's all I could think of) about the other.
Every labor pain I had with my kids was ended with, "you're grounded 'til you're 20!" i can sympathize!

At September 29, 2006 1:52 PM, Blogger DMB said...

If only it were that easy to just let it go. I think I've done a pretty good job with it overall, but it still lingers on to a degree. It's easier to say let it go when you already do have kids, but it's harder when you don't yet have that baby in your arms.

The logical side of me says that yes, this will work out just fine, and I do know I'm so fortunate to be in my current position, but the other part of me is scared to get hurt again, so I have to protect myself. I don't torment myself about it every day or anything, but this is my place to work out all the thoughts, feelings, and experiences--good and bad--that I'm going through, and that includes how this experience relates to the previous one that is still pretty fresh in my mind (and heart). Time will change that, I'm sure, and the scars will become less noticeable over time, but that doesn't change the fact that they're still there.


At September 29, 2006 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And they still will be there, I didn't mean abandon them completely I meant that once you have kids of your own the thoughts of the other one won't be in the forefront. I just don't want you to beat yourself up over them, I just want you to be happy! :)


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