Heartbeat on demand

After telling myself I wasn't going to do it, I changed my mind (for a variety of reasons) and decided to rent a doppler for a month after finding a good deal. It arrived yesterday and I've had fun playing with it so far. Sometimes I'm able to locate the heartbeat very easily, and other times it takes a little longer, but I can already tell I'm more at peace knowing that I can listen for it anytime I want to.

We've starting sharing the news with family and friends this week, and everyone has been thrilled. That's helped me get a little more excited about things, though I'm still pretty reserved when it comes to outwardly showing my excitement. That'll come in time, I know.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling as good today as I've felt for the past few days. It's still better than even last week, but I just feel an all-around blah, yucky feeling (I can't really describe it any better than that), and I threw up in the shower this morning despite taking my Zofran 40 minutes earlier. But, at least it's Friday, and there's something to be said for that.

Saying goodbye, one shirt at a time

All of my normal clothes still fit fine for now, but I obviously know that's not going to be the case for that much longer. So, when picking out what to wear this week, I've purposely been choosing shirts that are shorter and that might be a little more fitted compared to other things I own since I know I have a smaller window during which I'll still be able to wear those. Every morning I think, "Well, this may be the last time I wear this shirt for a while." It may not be the last time, but I'm preparing myself for it just in case. The good news is that I don't tend to wear very fitted shirts anyway, so most of my shirts should work well during the transition stage before full maternitywear is required. If that turns out to not be the case, then I'll deal with that when the time comes. Like so many other things, there's only so much you can plan for ahead of time because often things don't go as expected. But, at least I recognize that and understand that, and I think that helps prepare me even more.

You've got questions? We've got answers.

The non-puking streak ended this morning, unfortunately, when I threw up in the shower because I had forgotten to take my Zofran as soon as I got up, and the heat got to me. I had a good five-day run without vomiting, so that's still pretty good. I'm feeling mostly okay today, just very tired.

Today I'll answer some of the questions that people almost always seem to ask when they find out you're pregnant.

1. When are you due?
Approximately February 6.

2. Have you had morning sickness?
Is water wet? I think I've answered that one sufficiently in previous posts.

3. Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?
Yes, we're going to find out if the baby cooperates and gives us a peek at 20 weeks.

4. Do you have names picked out?
We do have names picked out, but we've chosen to keep those secret until the birth. We'll tell everyone the sex but would like to keep something else a surprise.

5. Are you going to breastfeed?
That's a pretty personal question, but one that people still don't hesitate to ask for some reason. I've obviously never done it before, so I can't say how it will go, but I'll give it my best shot. I'm not sure what I will choose to do once I return to work.

6. When are you going to start maternity leave? How much time are you going to take off work?
As of right now, I'm planning to work up until I have the baby to ensure as much time at home afterwards. This, of course, assumes that I have no complications that force me to take time off beforehand. I will take my full 12 weeks.

7. Are you going to get an epidural?
Can I go ahead and get one now so it's all ready to go when it's time?

Feeling more normal at 12 weeks

Eeek! I've gained 3.6 pounds in the past week, but in all fairness, I was warned by the doctor that once I started being able to eat again, the weight that I lost from nausea and vomiting would probably return pretty quickly. My appetite has returned to a much more normal level now, and although I'm still picky about what I want to eat, I don't feel as limited to just one of two or three things that I can stomach now. That's definitely some progress. (Weight gain/loss is detailed below.) I'm still at an over all of 7.6 pounds, so as long as I don't gain 3 1/2 pounds EVERY week, I think I'm doing pretty well.

I'm feeling mostly good today; I had some brief queasy moments earlier, but they passed quickly. I'm still very tired, but overall things are so far so good today. I'm still taking Zofran during the day and phenergan at night, but I don't feel ready to ease off them quite yet (though, I only took one Zofran yesterday instead of two, so I count that as a step forward).

So today I'm at 12 weeks, which still seems like a foreign concept to me; it feels like this is someone else I'm talking about. But I'm very, very thankful I've made it to this point so far and I don't take that for granted in the least.

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)
12w (+3.6 pounds, -7.6 pounds overall)

Turning point?

I had my second appointment today at 11w6d, and it went well (besides all the waiting beforehand for such a short appointment). The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, and after searching for a couple minutes, he did find it. Yay! He estimated the heartrate at about 165 to 170 and said that was within normal range. All of my blood work came back normal from last time, which I knew already. He asked if I'd made a decision on the AFP/tetra screen blood test to screen for birth defects, and I did decide to have the test done. That will happen at my next appointment in four weeks, which will again involve checking the heartbeat with the doppler. That's really about all that came from today's appointment. I've now shared the news with my mom, who is no doubt spreading the word relentlessly as I type this. :)

The best news to come out of today, however, is that I've felt fantastic all day long. I truly feel like myself right now, and I'm making dinner for the first time in almost two months. I hope this isn't a temporary reprieve and that things will start to ease up significantly as far as nausea and vomiting are concerned, but I'm trying to enjoy it while I can in case it does come back tomorrow or later. Keep your fingers crossed that I can start to enjoy this now.

I think I'm starting to believe that things might really work out this time. I'm still on edge quite a bit, but the longer things go, obviously the better things look. A sign of my slowly-returning confidence is that I pulled out my What to Expect When You're Expecting book, which I'd read through the fourth month last time and promptly hid away for eight months after I miscarried. I haven't started reading it again, but I at least pulled it out and acknowledged my ownership of the book. Also, I bought Baby Bargains while we were out today because I need to do a significant amount of research on baby items (I'm clueless when it comes to this stuff, and I've read this is the best source for such information). This is not something I've let myself think about thus far, so this is a big step for me. Could this really, really be it?

Looking up? A little? Maybe? Possibly?

I'm still getting sick and throwing up from time to time--sometimes after eating and sometimes because I didn't eat soon enough--but it's not quite as often as it was before, so I can be thankful for that. Keep your fingers crossed for further improvement in that area. My appetite is a little better and I'm able to eat a wider variety of things, though it still takes some serious thought as to what I want to eat and what I think might stay down before each meal. I need to start making a better effort at choosing healthy meals, though, since up to this point I've been letting myself eat whatever I want if it's something that actually sounds halfway appetizing. With some variety in the foods I can eat now, however, I need to cut out some of the things that I don't need and replace them with more sensible choices.

I'm still absolutely drained, and I feel like all I think about is sleep when I'm awake. (I don't want to feel like I'm complaining the whole time, because I'm so glad to be pregnant, but it feels like right now, the bad stands out more than the good.) Anyway, not only do I look forward to and plan the upcoming night's sleep, but I think ahead to naps at lunchtime and going to sleep on future nights!! It's not as much that I'm sleepy, but just tired, if you get the difference, though thankfully I've not had trouble sleeping so far. (Well, not any more than usual. I'd say on average I typically wake up about once every 1 1/2 to 2 hours during the night to pee, which is pretty often compared to most people, but that's how I was pre-pregnancy, too, so that's not changed so far. The good thing is that I get right to sleep when going to bed initially and after getting up during the night.)

Good thoughts to fellow blogger Serenity, who has her embryo transfer on Monday. Good luck!!

Oh, and by the way

I'm starting to realize that pretty soon we're going to have to start telling other people The Big News. I thought it would be pretty hard to keep it a secret for this long, but it turns out it's become easier as time goes on. Part of it has to do with my inability to let myself fully enjoy this because I still feel like I have to be cautious. But part of it is because I'm not all that comfortable with being the center of attention. If I could announce to my co-workers in January, "Oh, and by the way, starting next month, I'll be out of the office for about three months," then I'm pretty sure I would. I'll of course want people to politely ask how I'm doing and all that, but I dislike having a big fuss made over me when it puts me on the spot. Lots of people come up with "cute" ways of announcing their pregnancy to friends, family, and co-workers, like making cupcakes or framing an ultrasound photograph or giving them baby booties, but that's just not me at all. Even some of the people I work closely with didn't know I was engaged until a few months after it happened because I just didn't want to make a big deal in announcing it. It's not because I wasn't excited about it--and that's the same case here--but front and center is not where I like to hang out.

Just as I suspected

I heard from my doctor's office today that the ultrasound did show that I have gallstones, but my other blood work has come back normal. The nurse didn't really have much other information about it (like how bad it is), so I'll talk with the doctor about it on Monday. I suspect we'll take no further action (ie, surgery, or even seeing a specialist) until after the pregnancy unless it becomes a major problem, but it's sort of a relief to know that the problem is there and I haven't been imagining it.

A pound gained back at 11 weeks

Here's hoping I've hit my lowest weight point and will start gaining (not rapidly, though!) from here on out; I'm up one pound as of this morning for my weekly weight check. (See below for full weight chart.)

My clothes all still fit fine, though I feel a little bloated today, so my pants are a little more snug (though still not very tight). I haven't had much bloating so far, so I'll count myself as fortunate.

I'm 11 weeks today and starting to get excited at the idea of being into safer territory soon. It finally feels like I can see it, though it still feels just out of grasp. Most sources say the second trimester doesn't start until 14 weeks (unlike the 12 weeks you hear many people say), but I'm thinking we may start telling more people the news if we hear the heartbeat on Monday. Needless to say, this week cannot pass quickly enough.

Had a pretty bad day yesterday vomit-wise, and thus am feeling exhausted today. Hoping today is better in that department.

Weight loss/gain:
3w5d starting weight
5w (-1.2 pounds)
6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)
7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)
8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)
9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)
10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)
11w (+1 pound, -11.2 pounds total)

Hey, Mr. Gall Bladder, are you in there?

I had an ultrasound this morning to look at my gall bladder (and the abdomen in general) to see if that's what was causing the recent pains I've had. I have a family history of gall bladder problems, so it will not surprise me if I do. The ultrasound tech was not able to say anything as she performed the test, so I have no idea what the findings were. (I was not able to see the screen, either, though it's not like I'd know what it was supposed to look like!). I did hear the assistant comment to the tech that she could see the baby in there when they were looking at something else, but that's about all the comments I got from them. They said my doctor should have the report by Wednesday, so I'm guessing we'll go over it at my next appointment a week from today.

I threw up this morning because I didn't have any food in my stomach (because I had to fast after midnight for the test), but the two days before that were pretty good. We were able to celebrate our one-year anniversary without me having to run to puke. Ah, the little things I'm thankful for. I've felt a little off this afternoon, but it's still much better than I was this morning.

Back to it

My streak of consecutive hours without vomiting ended at 59 hours first thing this morning. *sigh* At least it's almost the weekend.

Fear of the unknown

I've definitely been feeling a little more human the past couple days, so I hope that keeps up. I'm still nauseated pretty constantly and I'm exhausted beyond words, but I'll still count that as a victory for now.

So now that I've made it to this point and have gotten past all of the major mental blocks, I've started to allow myself to think ahead a little, something that was strictly forbidden previously. And as I look to the future and try to picture what life will be like in another seven months, I find myself quite scared of the unknown. Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do when the baby cries? What's it like to spend the night in a hospital (I've never had to before)? What if I have to have a c-section (I've never had surgery before, aside from oral surgery)? What if I'm horrible at changing diapers (I've never changed a diaper before)? What if the IV bothers me excessively during labor (I'm not so good with needles)?

The fear of the unknown is sometimes paralyzing. I often have to put those thoughts aside when I become overwhelmed by them, but at some point I'm going to have to have an answer for all of those questions and concerns. I just hope I have the right answers.

Weight a minute

I'm glad to report that I'm feeling a lot better today compared with the last few days. Unfortunately, it's pretty far from 100%, but I'll take what I can get.

As promised, here's the detail of my weight loss thus far. I'll probably copy it and include it on my even-week updates on Tuesdays.

3w5d starting weight

5w (-1.2 pounds)

6w (-3 pounds, -4.2 pounds total)

7w (-2.4 pounds, -6.6 pounds total)

8w (-1 pound, -7.6 pounds total)

9w (-2 pounds, -9.6 pounds total)

10w (-2.6 pounds, -12.2 pounds total)

Oh, I meant to mention this along with the previous doctor's visit update. I got a range of estimated due dates from him and his staff, anywhere from February 4 to February 8. Since I know all of those are just estimates anyway (including ultrasound measurements), I'm going to continue counting time as I have, by my last period. Otherwise, I'll get too confused if I have to keep going forward and then back again.

Update at 10 weeks: One more mental block

I've got just one more major mental block that I can think of to get past. Last time, my bleeding started the morning after my first appointment, and I miscarried the next day after that. As of this morning (one day after my first appointment), I have no spotting, so as long as I can get through tomorrow, then I'll be okay on this front.

Other miscellaneous thoughts/notes:

*I go back and forth between not being able to take my eyes off the ultrasound pictures and not being able to look at them at all. It's mesmerizing yet frightening at the same time.

*I'm wrestling with the idea of telling most other people our news if we're able to hear the heartbeat on doppler in two weeks. I think it'll be a wait-and-see decision. I still don't want to tell work until about 14 weeks, though.

*I'm exhausted today--just beat--from being so sick this past week. This is with taking a one-hour nap last night AND going to bed at 9 p.m. (before dark!). I really, really hate complaining about it, but I never realized it could be this all-consuming. It has to let up sometime, right? Of course, when it does, no doubt I'll be paranoid that something's wrong, so I guess there's no winning either way here.

*Some of my "favorite" things to throw up (hey, I have to have a sense of humor about this, or else I'll go crazy): strawberry cheesecake, apricots, Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, orange juice, apple juice, blueberries. I'll spare you (well, really just me) the details of my least-favorite things to throw up, but let's just say it's quite a long list.

*My official at-home weigh-in today is Tuesday (when I'm at the even-week mark), and I've lost more weight this week, though I'm not sure how much yet (my notes are on my computer at home). I'll write more about that tomorrow.

The sweetest sight and sound

I had my first prenatal appointment this morning, and it turned out to be more than I'd ever hoped. I expected to talk with the doctor, have a pelvic exam, and give blood and urine samples. When talking with the doctor, he said that he doesn't expect to hear the heartbeat on the doppler for another two weeks or so, but that he might try to listen for it anyway. I promised to not get upset if we didn't hear it. So I went back for my exam and he said he felt a mass that he wanted to have checked out further on ultrasound to rule out a polyp or cyst (even though he thought it was probably just stool). He used the doppler without success but didn't try very long since he'd already decided to send me for the ultrasound anyway.

















So I went to have the ultrasound performed. Every ultrasound I've had done in the past weren't nice occasions (ovarian cysts, miscarriage), so I was pretty nervous. The tech inserted the wand and pretty soon I saw what looked to be a tiny baby (well, an alien baby), but since I have trouble seeing specifics on ultrasounds, I couldn't immediately tell if there was a heartbeat. I asked the tech, and she showed it to me, this little pulse just pumping away. She turned on the sound and then I could hear it--oh, what a great sound! I started tearing up a little, for a couple reasons. One, it's such a relief to see and hear after having a miscarriage and being worried about that happening again. Two, it's also sort of a relief to know that all of this nausea and vomiting isn't for nothing, you know? There's a perfectly good 174-beats-per-minute reason. (The heartbeat was on the higher side, which the old wives tale says it means a girl, but I won't find out about that for another couple months.) Oh, and the baby was measuring at 10w1d (I'm 9w6d), so that's good news, as well.
















I met with the doctor again, who said the ultrasound showed nothing unusual in the way of polyps or cysts, so he thinks it was just stool. He said everything looked good so far, that I'm measuring right on track. My chances of miscarriage now are down around 1% to 3% or so after detecting the heartbeat. I just wish I felt complete relief at that, but I'm not quite there yet.

I go back to the doctor in two weeks, where he'll try to hear the heartbeat on doppler again.

In other doctor's visit news:

*I mentioned the issues with my gall bladder, and he was appropriately concerned. He ordered a blood panel (in addition to what I was already have done), and I have to go back next Monday for an ultrasound. He said he'd prefer to wait to take out the gall bladder until after the pregnancy unless it's a major issue with recurrent attacks, but he wants to know what's going on in there so we know what to expect.

*He wasn't too concerned with the nausea and vomiting at this point, despite losing about 11 to 12 pounds. He said the baby will be able to get what nutrition it needs, even if I'm eating very little, but his bigger concern is with dehydration. I've been trying to make sure I drink as much as possible in an effort to avoid ending up in the hospital with an IV.

*The girl who took my blood today did a good job. She got me on the first try and it just stung a little. I'm not sure how many vials they took because I was afraid to look and didn't want to ask afterwards, but it seemed to take a while. I felt her change vials at least four times, so that'd be at least 5 vials, which sounds pretty normal.

A step back

Well, after feeling pretty good on the 4th, I seem to have taken a step backward and haven't felt well for the past couple days (thus no posts), throwing up multiple times despite the help of Zofran. I'm not quite back to the fog I was in pre-medicine, but I'm just completely exhausted from trying to find something I actually want to eat, then throwing it up less than an hour later. I'm making sure to drink plenty of fluids (the last thing I want is to end up in the hospital), and I'm drinking Ensure shakes to get some nutrition, but I feel like my hands are tied now in what else I can do to make things better. I'm very thankful that my doctor's appointment is on Monday.

Other news and notes:

*I haven't eaten chicken for about a month. Previously a staple, I just can't seem to make myself eat it. I don't know if I'd call it a full-blown aversion quite yet, but it looks like it's on the way to that.

*Interestingly, I've taken a preference to red meat lately, which never was my favorite. I'm not a big burger or steak person, but those are two things I've able to eat just fine now.

*I've always loved Eclipse spearmint gum; I've bought it for years now. Well, I put a piece in my mouth yesterday and it started burning immediately and I had to spit it out within 15 seconds.

*I'm dreading Monday's appointment because I am terrified of needles. I went from age 12 until age 28 without a single needle prick. During that time, I convinced myself I just didn't like needles, but that I wasn't scared of them. After coming very close to passing out a couple different times when my mom was having blood taken during her chemo treatments recently, I finally admitted I had a fear. The week I had my miscarriage, I had to have three draws done in five days, so that association is still far from good. I know the trick to drink lots of water to make it easier to get the blood, but that still doesn't get around the pain of having multiple vials of blood taken. And it doesn't help that I was told I don't have great veins. I know I'm just whining now, and there are so many others who have to endure blood draws way more often and for way worse reasons, so I'll just shut my trap and suck it up.

Pickled at 9 weeks

It's kind of weird to make it to nine weeks; it still seems like such a foreign concept to me. I'm getting used to it and slowly coming to accept that things might work out this time around. I know the odds are in my favor, but they were last time, too.

Anyway, it seems I've turned into a pregnancy stereotype! One of the few things I can actually stand to eat is dill pickles. I wouldn't technically call it a craving, but it is one of the few things that sounds good all the time, unlike other foods that may sound good one minute but repulsive the next.

At this point, I've lost about ten pounds since finding out I was pregnant, including about two more pounds from last week. I've taken belly pictures from the beginning (probably not for public viewing), and it's funny to see things actually get smaller rather than bigger...for now. I'm sure that'll change soon enough.

If it's not one thing, then it's another

I had what I think was a couple of gallstone attacks over the weekend. The first one I didn't think that much of. On Friday night after dinner, I started getting really uncomfortable because my back was hurting, but I went to bed soon after that because my phenergan had made me really sleepy. I just brushed it off as a backache and let that be it.

On Saturday night, I'd returned home from an evening with the girls when I started getting that same bad back pain all over my back. I tried stretching it out and taking some Tylenol, but nothing helped. The pain soon concentrated in the upper-middle part of the right side of my back and then within another 10 minutes had also wrapped around to the right side of my chest/abdomen. It felt like my ribs were going to implode--but only if my insides didn't explode first. The pain was unbearable (and unhelped by the heating pad), and all I could do was squirm to try to get comfortable (not possible).

Within another 15 minutes, I started getting chills, was very nauseated (different from the normal morning sickness nausea) and eventually threw up two or three times. I felt some relief after throwing up--enough to finally get to sleep after an hour and a half of writhing--but the pain still wasn't completely gone until I woke up this morning. I've got a family history of gall bladder disease, and I know that the higher levels of estrogen can cause this to happen in pregnancy, so I'm reasonably sure that's what it was. This is usually triggered by high-fat foods, but I've actually not eaten many high-fat foods lately because I don't have a desire for them with my lack of appetite. The only thing I can think it may have been--and it's something I had both Friday and Saturday nights--was ice cream, another known trigger.

I'm definitely planning to mention this to my doctor when I see him a week from tomorrow, but it's just scary wondering if this is going to be a regular thing for me. And, to have my already-limited eating choices even more pared down makes me exhausted trying to think of something to make for dinner these days.