Mom-inflicted pain

Do you ever get that feeling when something bad has happened, then you try to go about other tasks, but there's still that sense that something bad has happened that lingers deep in your bones, even if you're not thinking specifically about what happened? That feeling gnaws at you, taunting you to make you feel worse.

Okay, I've built it up bigger than it really is, but I definitely have that uneasy feeling inside from something that happened earlier. Baby B was tired, so we were trying to get her to nap. She is not a good napper, so this is not an easy task generally, then it was even more difficult with The In-Laws here. I tried putting her in her crib, but she thrashed and cried and I knew she wasn't going to sleep there, so I decided to try the swing.

I put her in it, and we have to attach the tray all the time now because she likes to lean forward and could easily fall out, even with her safety belt. I was careful not to pinch her little thighs when I snapped on the tray, but apparently I forgot to make sure her legs were positioned okay. She started crying immediately, then got even more insistent and red-faced about it, but I thought she was still just fighting the nap so I just rubbed her head at first. Soon I realized I'd wedged her toe under the tray and it was hurting her. I immediately felt sick on the inside and took off the tray and comforted her. From the time I put her in the swing to the time I picked her up was less than a minute at the most, but I couldn't help but feel bad. I know things like this happen, but I hate that I'm the one who caused her to cry so desperately. And for right now, I just can't shake that feeling of dread.

This comes on the heels of an incident last night where we adults were sitting on our deck chatting while enjoying a nice sunset when out of the blue our deck collapsed. No one was standing up; no one was even moving at all. It was only 2 to 3 feet off the ground, and no one was hurt, but it was very scary at first, and I can't get out of my head how bad it could've been, especially because The Great-Grammy was on the corner of the deck that collapsed. Thankfully Baby B was already in bed at the time and was nowhere nearby.