Broken dreams

It's sometimes so hard to see people who got pregnant on their first try, or who got pregnant on accident. It's even harder to see people who have been blessed to go through their pregnancy completely oblivious to the problems of conceiving and the problems associated with complications, including miscarriage. It's quite the harsh reminder that life isn't fair, and that's hard to accept.

Last time I was pregnant, I was fully aware of the risk of miscarriage; I considered myself well-armed with information and knowledge about the risk and statistics. The odds were in my favor for a successful pregnancy, but that wasn't the case. Even though I'd prepared myself as much as I could, there's no way you can fully prepare for the blow to your life it causes. I'd told very few people and I'd not quite let myself bond with the baby, yet I let myself start dreaming about what the future might be like. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would he/she be book-smart or super creative? What kind of birthday parties would we throw? How would we decorate the nursery, and later the toddler's room? When would he/she have a brother or sister? Would he/she want a dog or a cat as a childhood pet? I still kept myself reined in and not get carried away, but my mind would wander to such things from time to time.

This time around, I feel like I'm hardened and cynical. I can't let myself think about things in the future until I make sure things are okay in the here and now. I feel like because of the miscarriage, my right to get excited about this, my right to "make an announcement" about my pregnancy, and my right to revel in this great time of my life have been stolen from me. I hate to be this doubtful person, because I'm usually very optimistic, but I think it comes with the territory. I can't help but wonder why would it work out this time when it didn't last time. I don't buy any of that "it just wasn't the right time, so it didn't happen then" stuff. I know the odds (again) are in my favor, but wasn't that true last time? What's different now?