Deja vu

Here we go again.

I don't want to say I'm not excited, because I am. Let's just say that I'm reserving my unhesitant excitement for a date to be determined in the future. I should be excited. I should be ecstatic. I should want to call all of my friends and family right now. But things are different this time around.

So what's all the fuss about?

I saw the second pink line earlier tonight. Yes, that pink line. It was unmistakeably there. Sadly, I've been here before, but the end result of that experience was not a baby, but instead a miscarriage that stole my baby from me in November 2005 at 8 weeks and 2 days. But also stolen along with that baby was my innocence regarding the whole process of trying to conceive and going through a (relatively) worry-free pregnancy with nothing to become concerned about. I was well aware of the chance of miscarriage last time, but unfortunately such knowledge was not enough to stop the fate that befell me. I can't help but wonder if that same fate awaits me this time around, too, and it's a very scary feeling.

I want to be excited, but I can't let myself go down that road quite yet because I'm afraid of the heartache and pain that will be compounded if the unspeakable happens again. I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst, though of course I hope for the best. I'm wiser to the ways of the world compared to before the miscarriage, and I'm well aware of how quickly something so desired can be ripped away despite being so wanted. Nothing is fair when it comes to miscarriage. I don't know when the day will come when I genuinely don't think about the risk of losing this baby, and part of me thinks it won't be until after the little one is safely cradled in my arms. But for now it weighs heavily on my mind, though I know it's all beyond my control now.

I'm starting this blog in an attempt to write my way through the difficult journey I'm about to embark upon, searching for sanity as I go through a pregnancy after a previous miscarriage. I know the odds are in my favor for this to work out, but that didn't exactly work out in my favor last time.

Dare I whisper the due date and pretend I'll actually make it that far this time around? At this risk of looking too far ahead, I'll do it, though it feels like an eternity away at this point.

February 6.

Here's hoping this is really it. Call me a skeptic, call me a cynic, or call me a realist, but I won't believe it 'til I see it.